Last night I found myself seeking meaning. I had intended to finish a commission and do character designs for the graphic novel I'm going to be doing (another story in itself; I meet a writer at Free Comic Book Day and now I'm penciling ha). I ended up listening to The National on Pandora Radio and browsing Listverse. (I also found out that Cracked isn't blocked in College Plaza). For a long while I didn't feel like I was actually doing anything. Yes, I was reading, yes I was listening to music. But I found an emptiness in what I was doing. I didn't want to sleep, I'd become frustrated with artblock, and my will to do what I needed to do was gone. I suppose I should've pushed through it, but in truth, it was almost two in the morning and I needed to be asleep above all things. I finally forced myself to go, but my head wouldn't shut up.
I feel like I'm just biding my time, going through the motions of school and my activities. One more class then one more hour then eat then sleep then try to be productive until I can just pretend I made progress enough to allow myself to waste more time. I want this and that, and the childish part of me doesn't want to wait for the right time. I'm counting the days until this and the months until that and the years until I find myself married and working on what I love. It's really an awful feeling - limbo. I shouldn't be in limbo - aren't your college years supposed to be the best?
Instead I have my eyes on other things. I know what I want to do but I can't do it until I finish this.
And really, singleness is starting to weigh on my heart. I don't have room to complain, I guess. I was in a relationship with my best friend and is lasted for four years. Of course, now that I can look at it without my heart messing with it, I know it wasn't right. It just wasn't. And I have dear friends who deserve for people to love them in that romantic sense; men and women who truly seek God's heart that go unnoticed by potential suitors. But I think maybe I'm in that place too. I don't feel like anyone looks at me with promise in their hearts; and at the end of the day, I do want to be desired and chased. I don't want a game. I've never wanted a game. I've been single for over a year now. It's messing with my self-esteem and my image and I'm trying to do all these things to make myself 'better' so maybe a boy will like me then. If I'm skinnier, if my hair looks better, if only I could change these little things about myself. Maybe then.
What a horrible way to live.
I know this mindset is absolutely horrible. I know it's wrong and screwed up and but here I am thinking like that. The end of my last relationship really made me feel inadequate as a woman. Maybe I've been faltering since then, I don't know.
But I do know I'm sick of it. And I'm sick of going through the motions to get to the next thing. 80% of my classes I feel like I'm sleepwalking through them. I don't enjoy them. I've got one art class (which is slowly turning into more of a chore. I skipped it this morning.) and my Creative Writing class that I like. I'm sick of trying to superficially fit myself into images other than who I am.
I'm writing a narrative about Minecraft. Sounds silly, but playing Minecraft in singleplayer brings out an interesting emotion after time. Utter loneliness. No matter if you build sprawling mansions or temples or grandiose libraries or an underwater secret base; cities and towns - you'll always be alone. An idle king. No one will see your great monuments to human ingenuity. You are utterly alone in your world. All of your achievements become ultimately meaningless because you are alone.
So Minecraft has retaught and reinforced this in me. Without people, without love, without God, we are alone. And everything becomes worthless. Life is meaningless without Love.
So now I play Minecraft in a multiplayer server.
And then I've been worrying about money and my future because that's just what I do. I know my goals, I know what I want to do with my life, it's the getting there that's such a challenge. Where do I go for graduate school? How will I afford it? Should I just wait or take the leap and just..go.
Point is, I'm not content.
Sometimes I particularly love Pauley Perrette. Sunday, she tweeted "Be kind & forgiving of yourself today. You matter."
I think I need to pay attention to that.
I'm going to keep listening to The National while I do something productive. It's time to move forward.
[Note: Apologies for the moodiness/sulkiness/sappiness of this post. Also for how random it is. What up stream of consciousness.]
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